The Mann Landers Column

Morning Bass

Fri, 22 Apr 2011 13:54:56 -0400

Dear Mann Landers

When I wake up in the morning my voice is about 4 octaves lower than my normal everyday voice. I can hardly distinguish the words coming out of my own mouth, so I can’t imagine any girl being able to comprehend my morning pillow talk flirting.

What can I do to remedy the situation?

Sincerely,

Chocolate Rain, in Chicago

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Dear Chocolate Rain,

You are correct. It’s human nature that when your vocal chords sit dormant at night they become dry and stiff and the result is a voice with a lot more bass.

You can:

Gargle with Mouthwash: it’ll lube up your pipes while also making your breath fresh. The problem? The sound alone might weird her out.
Hum “Doe Rae Me” in the Shower: it’ll be like calisthenics for your chords. The problem? You showering will give a signal that you’re not coming back to bed.

My suggestion?

Embrace the bass! Leverage the deep voice by singing the following lyrics to her….

My darling, I can’t get enough of your love babe

Girl, I don’t know, I don’t know why

Can’t get enough of your love babe

Oh, some things I can’t get used to

No matter how I try

Just like the more you give, the more I want

And baby, that’s no lie

Oh no, babe

See you don’t have a problem that needs a remedy, you’ve got a morning talent that just hasn’t seen the light of day.

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

Double Standard "Woe is Me"

Wed, 20 Apr 2011 07:30:06 -0400

Dear Mann Landers,

I’m a female reader. Why is there a double standard when it comes to the age difference in the dating world?

If a 27yr old guy dates a 20yr old girl… no big deal. If a 27yr old girl dates a 20yr old guy… it’s the end of the world!

What gives?

Sincerely,

Curious Person, in Toronto

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Dear Curious Person,

I agree - it’s not fair! That said, as people judge you… guess who’s not feeling the least bit sorry for you? —> Every guy that’s ever gone through grade 9.

A typical grade 9 boy has a boner 21hrs a day, yet he has to deal with the following environment….

85% of girls his age are smoking hot
100% of the girls his age are being pursued by older guys
97% of girls his age are only interested in dating older guys
100% of girls younger than him are off-limits to relieve aforementioned boner - because it’s considered cradle robbing

What’s a grade 9 boy to do?

So for you - the 27yr old Demi boning the 20yr old Ashton? Well, as in most scenarios in life - before you cry “woe is me” it’s important that you think of the less fortunate —> the grade 9 boys of the world.

You’re a female entering her sexual prime that’s boning a guy in his sexual prime. It’s sexual balance at it’s finest! Why are you complaining?

Any haters are just jealous - bone away!

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

Summer Lovin'

Mon, 18 Apr 2011 12:15:00 -0400

Dear Mann Landers,

I went on vacation last week and met this guy. We really hit it off, and one thing led to another… yada yada yada. I won’t lie to you, I knew in advance that he had a girlfriend, but I figured it was a vacation and these things often happen. But, we live in the same city. I’m a little lost about how to deal with this situation. I feel guilty, but also like this guy quite a bit. I don’t want to ruin his relationship, but at the same time really like him. Can you help?

Sincerely,

Guilty Mistress

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Dear Guilty Mistress,

Let me start by saying that I do not condone any form of cheating. It is not gentlemanly, nor is it lady-like. You have two contradictory desires: 1) to be free of guilt and 2) to have this guy all to yourself. TAchieving that is like trying to masturbate and cry at the same time – very difficult.

Let me simplify the decision process for you. You are not going to get this guy. You are part of his spring vacation fun – you represent a holiday from “real life.” When you’re on vacation, life is easy. You got “intimate” without the regular stresses of life… which is to say that your post coital conversation didn’t revolve around when you’re going to do laundry, or clean the kitchen, or why he hasn’t cleaned the pee off the toilet seat yet. More than likely, your stress-free conversation had crashing waves as the soundtrack, followed by falling asleep under the stars. In short, your “relationship” with him was a part of a fantasy.

If it eases your mind, there’s no reason to feel guilty. Cheating with you will likely result in one of two things for him: He’ll either realize how much he loves his girlfriend and never do it again, or the experience will make him realize that he’s not so into his girlfriend and he’ll move on. Consider yourself the catalyst for progressing both of their lives. Look at you, you good samaritan, you.

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

Dating a Successful Girlfriend

Fri, 15 Apr 2011 07:30:05 -0400

Dear Mann Landers,

My girlfriend is incredibly successful. I am not.

My girlfriend keeps getting more and more successful. I do not.

I’m starting to feel insecure. Should I aim to keep up? Should I settle into the role of 2nd highest paid in the household?

I just want to keep her around!

Sincerely,

Eating Her Dust, in Denver

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Dear Eating Her Dust,

Relax - it’s a great problem to have. Your girlfriend sounds like she’s an absolute catch.

I’m glad you wrote in because the two options you’ve been weighing are both wrong…

1.) Should You Aim To Keep Up?

No. She’s got a significant head start, which means you’ll have to go the high-risk / high-reward entrepreneurial route which has a 99% failure rate. Will a catch like her want to stay with a failure?

2.) Should You Settle In To The Role Of 2nd Highest Paid Member in the Household?

No. She’ll grow to resent you if she catches you slothing around all day playing fantasy sports and wearing sweats - while making no effort to break one.

*There is a 3rd option… and it’s a sure fire way to avoid losing her…

3.) Should You Keep Any Full-time Job & Become A Cunnilinguist?

Yes. Hopefully gaining full-time employment is achievable. Becoming a cunnilinguist involves commitment and $10.17 to buy The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus.

Accomplish #3 and She’ll stick with you in sickness and in health.

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

Solving Red Wine Mouth

Wed, 13 Apr 2011 07:30:06 -0400

Dear Mann Landers,

I love drinking red wine on dates - it gives me just the right buzz and there is something classy about spinning your wine in the glass and pontificating before taking a sip.

The problem is that it turns my entire mouth and lips dark purple! Surely that is a turn-off to women…

What should I do?

Big Red, in Indiana

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Dear Big Red,

Kudos to you for sticking with red wine despite the challenges it presents. Many men would have bailed on red wine, and taken up drinking white wine. I’m glad you didn’t… even if you opted for the finest $25/glass of white wine it would still accomplish the same thing as a $25,000 sex change —> it’d make you look like a woman.

So how do you drink red wine and avoid looking like you’ve eaten 4 packets of purple Fun-Dip? The answer lies in a non-alcoholic chaser called sparkling water!

Like most cost conscious men out there, you’re probably eager to save $3 on the dinner bill, and as a result you brush off the waiter when he offers you sparkling/still water, instead electing for the $0.00 tap water. Get the sparkling water next time!

This might sound like a Colgate toothpaste commercial - but sparkling water’s unique stain fighting bubble-action carbonation attacks the red wine stain before it gets a chance to take root on your teeth.

One last tip - don’t lick your teeth and lips throughout the meal in hopes that this will keep them pristine looking… your tongue is like a rag soaked in red wine, you’re just making it worse.

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

Cracking her Facebook Friends List

Mon, 11 Apr 2011 10:37:07 -0400

Dear Mann Landers,

There is this girl I have a crush on, but she doesn’t know who I am. I guess you could say she is in my peripheral friends circles and I see her all the time at parties. But I am far too shy to approach her. Since we have mutual friends should I just try adding her to facebook and try to start things off that way? It sure would make my life easier, but I also don’t want to look like a creep.

Thanks,

Face-less in Ithaca, New York

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Dear Face-less,

DON’T ADD HER!!! No matter how smart it seems when you’re drunk at 4 in the morning this weekend… it isn’t. Being the creepy random-friendship-requester is the digital equivalent of that guy who lurks up on an unsuspecting girl at the bar and starts grinding her from behind. Ask any girl who has experienced this and you’ll learn everything you need to know about the effectiveness of such strategy

Your best bet of pulling off the digital pickup is to start in the analog world. There is a certain level of believability and trust that is instantly established in face-to-face encounters for which there is no equivalence online. Take advantage of your mutual friends by convincing one of them to help get you into a face-to-face conversation with her. It doesn’t have to be anything too intense, all your friend needs to do is open up a small window where you can be properly introduced and have a short conversation. Once the three of you are talking it is your job to find a ‘hook’ in the conversation that will give you a reason to follow up with her. It doesn’t matter what the topic is, you can always find a hook:

1) if she mentions she loves the new Arcade Fire album say: “yeah it is pretty good, but if you like them I’ll send you some stuff that will make your head explode.” It doesn’t matter if you have no idea who Arcade Fire is, just say it, and tomorrow you can research them and find similar music.

2) if she mentions she is taking the bus to New York next weekend, say: “no way, I am going too, my friend is driving and I am sure there is space for you”. It doesn’t matter if you’ve never been to New York City because you’re too scared, just say it, and then find a reason later for your plans to change.

The point is, you now have a non-pathetic reason to send her a facebook message, and once that’s been established, it is perfectly acceptable to add her as a friend, start a digi-flirt session with her, and spend hours creeping every picture of her in a bikini.

Please remember, though, even if you make it onto her friends list you’re still on thin ice, new relationships always have a probation period, especially digital relationships where it’s much easier to look creepy than cool. There are still numerous ways you can sink your own boat. Some general rules to follow: (1) Avoid incessant posting on her wall; (2) only comment on her status if it is highly pertinent; (3) don’t ‘poke’, no one has ever looked cool ‘poking’ someone else; and (3) only comment on pictures that are posted after you became ‘friends’. If you find yourself commenting on a picture from her family vacation in 2007 turn your computer off and give yourself a shake.

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

Hail Mary

Fri, 08 Apr 2011 11:47:48 -0400

Dear Mann Landers,

First off, I love reading your column. I feel it makes me a better girlfriend/woman-friend/lover, etc. I was dumped a few weeks back by a long distance boyfriend who is a major pro football fan. While we were dating, I lovingly cheered his team on wearing their colors, watching games, and even memorizing players’ stats. He gave me some basketball shorts with the team logo on them, which I proudly paraded around in everywhere.

Now that we are through, is it rude to send these back to him? At one point in time they were his favorite shorts. I don’t want them, and it would be a horrible waste of fan-wear to throw them out. I left the relationship with few hard feelings, and am now simply looking to get rid of the shorts, which now serve no purpose in my wardrobe.

Sincerely,

Super Sports Fan

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Oh Super Sports Fan,

Really? You can only think of two options? Throwing them out or sending them back?

These shorts clearly represent more to you than you are willing to admit. Would I be wrong to assume you view these as a solid chance to spite him? I think in your mind, you see the situation unfolding somthing like this: He goes to get his mail, and finds a small package. Intrigued, he opens it and either…

1) is overcome by your sweet scent, which has lingered in the package. The combination of your scent and the sight of the shorts is too much and he suddenly regrets everything.

2) sees the shorts, and is upset for treating you so terribly and breaking up with you. He can no longer watch his football team without thinking about you, and how he wronged you.

3) seeing that you were kind enough to return the shorts, starts wondering if he was wrong to break up with someone so kind.

You want to know the reality? He’s going to see his shorts, and either think:
1) Sweet! Got my shorts back!
2) Whoa… bitch is crazy!
3) She’s still into me!
4) All of the above

By sending the shorts back you’re telling him you’re still into him. After watching so much football, you should know that a Hail Mary is a desperate move that rarely works. Well, you’re not even throwing a Hail Mary here - you’re attempting to kick a field goal through your own uprights!

The only thing you can do in this situation is nothing. Forget this guy, and forget his shorts. If you can’t stand the sight of them, donate them to a charity, or indulge your inner drama queen and set them on fire. (No, I’m not serious about setting them on fire).

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

Passion for Pashmina Salesperson

Wed, 06 Apr 2011 08:00:58 -0400

Dear Mann Landers,

I bought my mom a pashmina for Christmas from a little boutique pashmina shop. The girl that works there is so hot… SOOO HOT!

I still walk by that boutique pashmina shop from time to time - she’s always working there. The problem? I have no reason to go into a boutique pashmina shop until June (my mom’s birthday) at the earliest!

How can I make something happen with this girl prior to mom’s bday?

Sincerely,

Man-shmina, in Montreal

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Dear Man-shmina,

First off - pat yourself on the back for being such a terrific gift buyer!

I dare any male reader to tell me a gift that delivers more bang for its buck than a $7 pashmina. They go with everything. They’re soft. They can come in handy in the bedroom.

Wait. You bought this for your mom? Kidding.

Back to the boutique pashmina dilema. You’re bang on. You don’t want to make a habit of buying pashminas - that screams “I have a girlfriend” or “I have a vagina”.

You need a conversation starter. Something genuine - like pretending you need help with directions.

Do your research and determine a boutique (you seem to like that word) coffee shop in the general vicinity of her pashmina shop. Next time you walk by her pashmina shop, pop in and tell her that you’re in dire need of an americano - and that you’ve heard there is a great coffee shop in the area called [insert name of aforementioned boutique coffee shop]. If she’s heard of it, she’ll be impressed that you’re seeking it out instead of the 4 Starbucks within 500m of her shop, and she’ll give you directions. If she hasn’t heard of it, tell her that you’ll track it down and report back.

Now’s your chance to subtly penetrate her… heart. Say something to the effect of:

“You probably don’t remember, but I actually bought one of your pashminas over the holidays. My name is [insert your name]. I owe you - it was for my mom and she never shuts up about it. Maybe I can buy you a coffee at [insert name of aforementioned boutique coffee shop] as a thank you?”.

Her answer will start with a Y and end with a “es, Yes, Yes!”

It’s good to be back…

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

Ethnic Food for Thought

Mon, 04 Apr 2011 10:50:32 -0400

Dear Mann Landers,

I’m not a virgin - but I feel like one in a way. I’ve only ever been with one race. I’m white, and I’ve been with a white girl for 7 years. I find myself drawn to other ethnicities more and more with each passing day.

Should I just be honest with my girlfriend and ask for some space? During some “time a part” I could then explore these other ethnicities?

At the same time part of me does fear that the grass is always greener…

Sincerely,

Smorgasboard, in San Antonio

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Dear Smorgasboard,

For the purposes of this example - let me substitute the topic of ethnicities (oftentimes a loaded weapon) with the topic of dietary choice.

For the past 7 years you’ve essentially been a vegan.

i) Vegan (White): more often than not it’s bland and requires far more work than should be necessary to make a satisfying meal. That said, when it is prepared right - it’s soooo right.

ii) Vegetarian (Asian): similar to Vegan, it’s often construed as being bland, however an emphasis on raw makes it very appealing.

iii) Omnivore (Latina): A combination of the good & bad in all diets. Similar to a jambalaya - every bite is like playing Russian roulette… you might get the sweet essence of saffron, while at the same time you risk getting burned by a hot chili.

vi) Carnivore (Black): Every meal is substantial and filling.

Any guy that reads what I’ve just written would likely be inclined to rush out and explore their taste buds. Not so fast! Keep in mind that your girlfriend will likely be exploring her taste buds as well during your proposed break … after all you’ve been her vegan diet all this time!

Should that concern you? Well you know what they say… once you go carnivore you never go back.

Just some food for thought.

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

Loosening lips...

Fri, 01 Apr 2011 10:51:32 -0400

Mann,

My lady friend and I have great sex. We do it regularly and she’s into almost anything. One problem however, is her inability to talk dirty. I want to laugh when she tries to turn me on: “ooh, you bad boy”, “I’ve been such a dirty girl”, and so on and so forth. What can you suggest to help me out?

Acoustically frustrated, in Cleveland

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Acoustically,

Have you ever tried to freestyle? You either can or you can’t. You have flow or you don’t. Your lady doesn’t. Spontaneity is not her friend, she needs a script. In other words, she’s a pop-singer, not a Tupac: fun to put your penis in, not listen to.

But, if you’re in it for the long-haul and you think your Brittney can become a Nicki Minaj I’d suggest trying any of the following:

(1) Watch pornography together – This has other great benefits too.

(2) Turn the table – Tell her that you’ve been a “bad and dirty boy.” See how she likes it! … But what if she does like it!?! (Proceed with caution).

(3) Be proactive – Tell her what you like to hear and maybe she’ll be into it. For example, “Melissa, I’d appreciate if next time we were having intercourse that you would call me a little boy or tell me that I’m pathetic. Thanks, great talk!”

(4) Positive reinforcement – Say or scream “yes” every time she says something you like. Say nothing, and put your pants on and leave the room, when she says something you don’t like.

But if you’re really desperate for some aural pleasure, and your lady-friend is merely a friend, I’d suggest scouring the local hip-hop karaoke scene. You’ll find some lyrically talented freaks there. Think…

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

The baboon compass

Wed, 30 Mar 2011 09:59:03 -0400

Dear Mann Landers,

Since your disappearance, I haven’t been so well off when it comes to the ladies. I am but a mere college student awash in a sea of attractive ladies, with no source of brilliant expertise to guide me. My current woman-of-choice has been giving me a fair amount of trouble. Y’see, I feel she is giving me mixed signals.

We first met after a chance encounter on an airplane, all George Clooney, Up in the Air, style. Totally cliche’d and romantic. Shortly thereafter she made efforts to spend time together, multiple days in a row and I was hopeful. However, she would say things like, “I don’t think I’m looking for a relationship”, and “I’m not sure I really like anyone right now”. For a month or so she dropped off the map and we didn’t talk much, but now we are talking again, went out to dinner recently, and she is flirty as ever. But tis difficult to say whether she wants me to make a move, or if we are in the infamous “friend zone”. How do I get a clear idea of what she wants, Mann Landers?

Sincerely,

Lost w/o a Compass

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Dear Lost w/o a Compass,

As far as compasses go, she’s leading you down a clear path, you just need to pay attention!

When was the last time you flirted with someone you weren’t sexually interested in? Flirting is based in sexual tension. You’re telling me that you met on a plane, hung out consistently after, have since gone for dinner together, and you are still confused if she is interested? She might as well have been a female baboon “presenting” herself to you, swollen rump and all!

Female baboons in heat

You need to be the hero here and take control of the situation. You’re right - you run the risk of ending up in the friend zone, but not because she’s not into you, but because at this moment the sperm swimming in your testicles have bigger balls than you (and that’s saying something because it’s not even physically possible!). Let me tell you something to put your mind at at ease: those comments about not looking for a relationship and not being into anyone are a poor attempt at playing hard to get.

If you want to know where you stand, Mann up and make a move or a suggestive comment, or do something to show you’re interested - anything! What have you got to lose? May I remind you this is some random girl you met on a plane - someone with whom you share zero mutual friends.

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

Lack of Name Game

Mon, 28 Mar 2011 10:14:43 -0400

Dear Mann Landers,

I’m terrible with names. I feel like every time I get introduced to a stunning girl at a party or bar, I end up getting caught up in her beauty - and her name slips in one ear and out the other. As a result, I make a poor 1st impression when I open with “Sorry - what’s your name again?” later in the evening.

Suggestions?

Sincerely,

Name Impaired, in Indianapolis

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Dear Name Impaired,

One of the most flattering things you can do is remember a woman’s name - it conveys one thing loud and clear … your interest in her!

It takes genuine effort to block out distractions (e.g. her breasts) in order to take in her name. Common etiquette only grants you one “I’m sorry I didn’t catch your name?”, and you’ve only got a 10 second buffer in which to do so - act quickly!

That said, getting her name is far different than learning her name. Here are my tips on learning her name, using the 5 most popular baby girl names of 2010:

First - are you are better remembering images or sounds?

Better with images?

Create an image associated with her name and link it to a physical characteristic of hers.

Sophia: picture soap lathered all over Sophia’s long legs
Isabella: picture Isabella holding two ice cold Stellas … naked
Olivia: picture Olivia sucking the pimento out of an olive with her sexy mouth
Emma: picture Emma’s boobs painted to look like M&M’s
Chloe: picture Chloe’s captivating eyes glowing (chloe-ing?) at night

Better with sounds?

Make a rhyme associating her name with your first impression of her.

Sophia: Sophia, Sophia I want to bone you in my Kia
Isabella: Gonna be my Isa-bella ella-ella, ay ay ay, Gonna be my Isabella ella-ella, ay ay ay
Olivia: Olivia I wanna be in ‘ya
Emma: Emma the boner you’re giving me at this party is causing a dilemma
Chloe: “Chloe you should know me” - spoken by your penis in your imagination

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

Why Art = Scotch

Fri, 25 Mar 2011 08:32:47 -0400

Dear Mann Landers,

I don’t get art - but the girl I’m into likes art. How can I fake being into art… to the point that I can fit in with her artsy friends.

Sincerely,

Art Schfart, in Arizona

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Dear Art Schfart,

Faking that you’re into art is like faking that you’re into drinking scotch… it doesn’t work. Eventually your audience will catch you gagging.

Art is like scotch in another way too - they’re both acquired tastes. Ask any scotch drinker and they’ll give you the same advice - you need to learn by drinking the good stuff.

It’s hard to acquire a palette that appreciates scotch when you’re drinking something closely resembling paint thinner (wrapped in a scotch label and a $10 price tag).

Similarly, it’s hard to acquire a palette for fine art when you’re attending a showing (kegger) held in a cookie-cutter unfinished space with a catering menu consisting of sour cream & onion, all-dressed chips, and extreme heat Doritos.

So leave your preconceived notions behind and surprise your girl by getting tickets to a higher end gallery in your city. You might be surprised by how some of the more renowned work makes you feel!

If you STILL hate even the great stuff? Not to worry… that just means you’re a natural art critic with an extremely (overly?) distinguished palette. <— people get paid for that!

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

Botching a compliment (a Botchliment)

Wed, 23 Mar 2011 08:20:00 -0400

Dear Mann Landers,

Tonight I told my girlfriend that I love her curves. Despite my genuine intentions of making a compliment, this comment landed me in a fight, and then landed me on the couch, which is where I am writing this email.

Where did I go wrong?

Sincerely ,

Couch Potato, in Vancouver BC

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Dear Couch Potato,

This is a textbook botchliment (botched compliment). As a man, it was only a matter of time before you unexpectedly stumbled into this harsh world.

A botchliment is the result of making a compliment based on logic rather than illogical woman-speak.

Would a woman be flattered if you had said “oh I love your flat ass”? No!

Is it common knowledge that men around the world find the curves of a woman’s body sexy? Yes!

Do you need to throw that logic out the window when speaking to a woman? Definitely!

My advice: don’t bother trying to decipher women’s erratic language, it’s far too unpredictable for the male brain to comprehend. There are innumerable factors that can turn a compliment into a botchliment —> time of day, time of month, season, lunar cycle, TV lineup, her friend’s new outfit, etc, etc, etc.

When you give a botchliment don’t fight back… you wont win. Create a botchliment memory book - write down anything you get burned on and never say it again. Set up a botchliment buddy system so you can compare with friends and preemptively help one another avoid flare ups. The sad truth? Eventually your botchliment list will grow so long that you’ll stop speaking around her for fear of ridicule.

To get you started here are 4 common botchliments:

1. What you say: Wow, you finished all of that? That’s my girl! What she hears: Check out Shamoo over here…

2. What you say: It’s all good, I’m not really a boob guy anyway. What she hears: Your boobs look like pancakes hanging on a pair of nails

3. What you say: You look fine, lets just go already! What she hears: Being seen with you in public is just bearable…

4. What you say: You look tired babe? What she hears: Maybe you should put on some more makeup babe?

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

The #1 Thing Guys Do Wrong

Mon, 21 Mar 2011 08:02:00 -0400

Dear Mann Landers,

What is the #1 complaint you hear from ladies about what men are doing wrong? Bad manners? Lame fashion style? Neglected manscaping?

Sincerely,

One Step at a Time, in Tampa Bay

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Dear One Step at a Time,

Sometimes a simple question like yours can offer up the greatest opportunity to highlight a major issue for the masses. The answer?

Bad Manners? No. If you’ve got poor manners, a lady is going to ignore you from the outset
Lame Fashion Sense? No. A lot of ladies take pleasure in correcting their man’s style anyways.
Neglected Manscaping? No. I’m glad you mentioned it though, because the major problem is somewhat related. Allow me to explain…

I’m all for grooming your nether regions, but don’t you think you’re getting a bit ahead of yourself? Unless you’re looking to woo a female comic book hero with x-ray vision (or you walk around pantsless), having a bonsai-tree-like pubic zone is not going to get you ahead in the game of love.

You know what will? Getting a $20 mani-pedi.

Ya that’s right - if you spent half as much time/money on your fingernails & toenails as you did on styling your genitalia you’d get more girls. Fingernails/Toenails are the #1 thing guys do wrong.

Ask 100 girls what their worst love making nightmare is, and 99 of them will say that it’s the thought of a guy with long fingernails attempting to “press her buttons” (if you catch my drift). Toenails are important too! Nothing ruins post-coital cuddling like an open wound on her leg caused by a slash from your machete-like big toe.

Stop buying special attachments for your electric shaver. Get a $20 mani-pedi. You’ll get more bang for your buck (literally).

It’s good to be back.

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

PS. As I mentioned - I’ve likely scorned many past readers with my prolonged absence. I’m going to teach myself computer programming today in hopes of installing a Facebook share/Like button on my column. In the meantime if you deem it worthy… I’d be honored if you shared this link on Facebook and encouraged your friends to check out my column.

It wasn't you, it was me.

Sun, 20 Mar 2011 19:46:37 -0400

Dear Readers,

I am sorry to have left you all so abruptly. I came into your lives, swept you off your feet and together we became better lovers by sharing laughs. I understand why so many of you wanted more. Please know - It wasn’t you, it was me.

One of the many love lessons I’ve learned in life is that it’s far easier to sneak out while your conquest sleeps, than to face the awkwardness of sobriety. That said, after several aimless months, I’ve realized that you (my audience) were not simply conquests, you were far more important to me. I write to you now, heart in hand, hoping you will have me back and lay your eyes upon my column once again.

The truth … if you will hear it … is that after many months locked away in celibacy sharing my lessons with you - I myself had stopped learning. So yes, I selfishly snuck out to travel the world and indulge myself in the lessons of love again. Maybe our paths crossed? I wear Armani Code cologne, size 12 shoes, and have gentle eyes.

And so as quickly as I had left, I am back in your life. My posts may be sporadic at first (Mon/Wed/Fri) - but they’ll come. I have undoubtedly scorned many fans with my absence… so I would appreciate any help you can offer in spreading the word of my return.

Please send emails to askmannlanders@gmail.com. If you want your questions answered: keep ‘em short & unique. You can also tweet questions to me here —> @mannlanders and I’ll tweet you back. Real-time advice? Yep, that’s right… the future is here.

So here’s a toast to sharing laughs and becoming better lovers in 2011.

*TOAST*

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

A Bud-ding Relationship?

Tue, 26 Oct 2010 15:43:00 -0400

Mr. Mann,

I know that this site is mostly for men, actually, just for men but I can’t help myself with noticing that you give great advice. I am in a bit of a situation with a guy I like and I would like some advice from..a guy. Girls can only give so much advice that is actually helpful.

Anyway, i met this guy working at a Kids Camp this summer and we really hit it off. We flirted back and forth all that week. He is a couple years older than me but that hadn’t seem to bother either of us. After the camp was over we exchanged numbers and have continued to text to this very day.

Just within the last week he has started calling me “Bud”. I have no clue what that means in guy language but in Girl code that brings you into a friend zone.

Please bring me some clarity,

Dazed and Confused

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Dear Dazed and Confused,

First to be clear, when a guy calls you “bud”, “friend”, or anything at all, it doesn’t necessarily mean anything. He could call you “Slutty McSlut Slut” and it probably wouldn’t mean much. Some guys tend to do stupid things like this as either an attempt to flirt, or for the same reason they will attempt to re-enact Jackass 3D – they’re just not thinking straight. Rather than wasting your time analyzing what he means by how he greets you, judge your relationship based on how he treats you (no rhyme intended). What’s important here is context, so let’s examine the context that you’ve given me to work with…

It’s nearly November. You met this guy in the summer, and for a week and engaged in some flirting. One week, three to five months ago (depending on when in the summer) and since then you’ve moved on to texting regularly? I assume this means you’re not living in the same city, otherwise you would actually… you know… see him in person.

Here’s a list of questions you need to answer before going any further:

1) Do you live in the same city? If you do, why are you texting regularly and not seeing each other regularly?

2) Did you actually hit it off, or are you only selectively remembering the times he flirted with you, and forgetting the moments he was less than interested?

3) What has prevented this relationship from going beyond texts?

4) Does your texting involve sexting?

I understand hearing “bud” and wondering what it means. Sometimes that can throw you for a loop. What is really more important here though is the fact that your relationship is based on texting, which means if this was the 1980s, you would either be pen pals, or not communicating – not exactly the hot and heavy romance you might be dreaming of. Push for more interaction, or resolve to being the 21st century version of a pen-pal.

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

Barista Crush

Fri, 08 Oct 2010 09:21:53 -0400

Dear Mann Landers,

I have a crush on my Starbucks barista. I see her every morning, and I often return in the early afternoon to catch her before her shift ends for round two.

We seem to have great chemistry!

How do I get past the customer/barista relationship and transition to a Romeo/Juliet relationship?

Sincerely,

Grande Americano Misto, in Memphis

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Dear Grande Americano Misto,

I welcome this question with open arms, as I’d imagine there are a lot of Barista Crushes out there.

First things first - go for it!

You’ll want to avoid asking her out during stressful situations like when she’s working the cash or while she’s relaying the orders from the cash to the person concocting the drinks. I can’t even imagine how stressful it must be to translate “Grande Low Fat Half Sweet No Foam Latte with Soy in a Venti Cup, Double Sleeved” into a few check marks on a paper cup.

Your best case scenario is to wait until she’s working the “finishing touches” part of the production line. There’s something sexy about the act of frothing milk, dusting something with powdered chocolate, or drizzling caramel in a delicate pattern. Waiting for this moment is your best bet to catch her in the right state of mind.

Here are some options:

Corny - as she hands you your coffee, pretend to get all flustered and say “shit, I hate when I forget to ask for something” to which she’ll surely respond “don’t worry! what did you forget?” … to which you respond “I meant to ask you for your number so we can hang sometime” … be sure to have a pen readily available.
Sweet & Discreet - pass her a note. Have it read “I can’t lie to you anymore. I hate coffee. I come here for you. Text me your number so we can do lunch this week (555) 555-5555.”

If your attempt doesn’t work … thankfully there is a Starbucks on every major street corner.

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

An Unexpected Source

Mon, 04 Oct 2010 11:25:25 -0400

Dear Mann Landers,

I would love to meet a great girl, but I feel like I’ve exhausted all contacts within my social networks. You can only ask your friends, or your friends’ girlfriends to keep you in mind for any of their single friends so many times before you get labelled “that guy”.

I’m not crazy about the idea of meeting people online, and I just feel guilty about volunteering or getting involved in my community with the underlying purpose being that I want to meet new girls.

Suggestions?

Tapped Out, in Tuscon

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Dear Tapped Out,

Provided you’re a relatively young guy - I can think of one stone that is likely un-turned …. your friends’ moms!

No, I’m not suggesting you try to be the second coming of Finch from American Pie…. remove this image from your mind immediately:

No, what I’m suggesting is that you tap into the highly connected network of women that are readily available to you. Picture these wholesome motherly type:

Do whatever it takes to get yourself invited over to a family dinner at a friend’s place. Bring a token of appreciation in the form of a dessert, or maybe some flowers … moms love that. Engage with the mom in a subtle dance of flirtation so as to get her “train” of thought onto the “tracks of romance”. Come prepared to dinner with plenty to talk about:

2 random funny stories
1 simple joke
1 endearing story about your childhood
A clear and concise explanation of what you aspire to do with your life

If you follow that plan, you’ll successfully come across as the charming guy that relishes family, and has real goals in life.

Do you know what mom’s do when they meet charming guys, that relish family and have real goals in life? They set them up with the beautiful daughters of the women in their pilates class.

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

The Finishing Game - Part II

Fri, 01 Oct 2010 11:45:00 -0400

Dear Mann Landers,

Let me cut to the chase. I met this girl at a bar the other night and we really hit it off. At the end of the night, I didn’t know what to do – should I move in for a kiss, invite her back to my place, should I grab her hand…? I thought about making a move, but wasn’t really sure she would go for it. What should I have done? What do I do now – is there any way to salvage this?

Sincerely,

No Finish in Finland

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Dear No Finish,

This is part II of my response. Part I can be found here. Today’s part one outlined what to do, whereas today will outline what to do if your approach fails.

Now imagine that whatever you have done, she has rejected in some fashion. This was your worst case scenario, right? A seriously awkward situation. The two of you standing there – you melting in the rejection, and she, arms crossed rolling her eyes while crickets chirp in the background.

It might surprise you to learn that in my younger days, I also had a mentor or two. Their advice still sticks with me to this day: A lady does not judge you on your approach, but rather on your recovery. It doesn’t matter if you go down in flames on your attempt, if you can bounce back quickly, you’re likely in a good position.

You have to remember that while you are on offense, and trying to score, women are innately defensive, protecting their chastity like a bear protecting her cubs. Scoring will not be easy – even if you’re only after a phone number, her instinct might be to turn you down. If you come back with a witty response, or just aren’t phased by the rejection, you’ll come across as poised rather than a nervous wreck – more Bond than McLovin (though admittedly somewhere in the middle of that spectrum).

A solid recovery might be the key to the promised land, or at least the key to the phone number, that might eventually lead to a date, and then hopefully the promised land*. If she clearly isn’t interested, this is where you need to walk away, head held high. You gave it your best shot and should have no regrets.

Here’s the best part: that trite saying about there being plenty of other fish in the sea… it’s true. Complaints like ”It’s so hard to meet people” and “All the good ones are taken,” are made by people who are still single (or unsuccessful) because they make dumb comments like that, so don’t get caught in that trap. If you think “all the good ones are taken” then you just have to go for younger girls (of legal age). Trick them into loving you early.

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

*Note: By “promised land” I meant love. What did you think I meant?