Dear Mann Landers,

Recently, I have been having the most foul smelling bathroom visits.  I spend much of my time at my girlfriend’s place who shares an apartment and one bathroom with three other ladies.  How can I maintain any genteel credibility while not ignoring the most basic bodily function?

Sincerely,

Backed up, in Dayton

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Dear Backed up,

You will need to be prepared to make public lavatories an ally.  In fact, it might be necessary to extend this new partnership to any random hole in the ground.

Beyond that, the average man would approach this problem by carrying a pack of matches in their pocket or spraying cologne after the deed is done. Both, however, should be viewed as band-aid solutions that can often lead to an unfriendly combination of smells. Your goal here is to not attract attention to yourself. The introduction of any new smell, be it perfume or burning, will only lead to speculation, which in this case is as bad as being caught with your pants down.

With that said, sometimes masking odour is the only option. You need to be prepared for such a situation. Your best approach is to buy your lady friend an excessively large bouquet of candles.  Mix different coloured and scented candles into an attractive arrangement, and give it to her instead of your semi-annual boring (and expensive) dozen roses.  With all the excess candles you’ve given her, she’ll run out of places to put them, and there will inevitably be an overflow into the bathroom.  If that doesn’t happen, she surely won’t notice if one goes missing and ends up in the bathroom.  If you are forced to light a candle remember to flip the toilet seat up upon leaving the bathroom, this will deflect attention onto the person who previously used it by giving the impression that you went “#1”. Why were you lighting the candle then? Well, you’ll simply come across as being courteous in covering up someone else’s foul offering. Even this approach is risky - so my best advice is to think outside the box. For example:

The next time you are getting ready to bunker down at your lady’s place, put your cell phone on vibrate and set your alarm for 3:00 AM.  Gently place your cell phone in your underpants (this will require that you sleep in tight boxer-briefs or tighty-whities).  When your alarm goes off in the wee hours of the morning, quietly scamper to the washroom where you can do your business.  The washroom will be all yours, with a few safe hours for the smell to dissipate. Yes, this means that you’ll have to hold off on pooping prior to bed (with the additional side effect being that it might interfere with love making), but such is the life of a gentleman

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers