Dear Mann Landers,

My parents are in the process of renovating my bedroom.  For the next month I have to sleep in my sister’s room.  The problem is that I am a teenager, and well … I have a big sexual appetite. How do I survive without privacy?!  Help!

Sincerely,  

In a Sexual Panick, in South Dakota

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Dear In a Sexual Panick,

You are at war, my son – an unconventional war, not fought in the trenches, but in the shadows.  With family members constantly at the doorstep of your bunker and your sexual satisfaction on the line, this battle is among the most important wars you will wage in your lifetime. 

Sure, in the distance you can see victory – your Spongebob Squarepants wallpaper replaced by Banksy artwork and your twin bed replaced by a double – but you must stay focused on the present.  If you lose focus for even a moment, your privacy will be compromised and you’ll be forced into an era of (sexual) starvation and sacrifice, or worse caught in the act by the enemy.  It is important to be aware of a little military strategy to get you out alive:

 1.) Initially you will be tempted to escape to the latrine, but I promise this is less optimal in reality.  As a soldier you are as good as dead if you ascribe to this strategy.  The lock on the door is a false sense of security and enemy combatants are likely to view hour-long bathroom episodes as strange.   

2.) A young soldier has likely not learned the importance of using his gun in a clandestine fashion.  This is a key skill to learn.  If you are hoping to win this war, you are going to have to fire your gun a few times without raising the enemy’s suspicion.  Avoid wearing pants that make loud “swooshing” sounds, such as jeans or track pants.  Metal belt buckles that make “clinking” noises are also a no-no.  Sweatpants not only mean you can crack off a shot quietly, but they also provide a waistband for emergency “tuck-unders” should the enemy make a quick approach. 

3.) The best warriors know that to succeed you need to use slight-of-hand to remain under the radar.  In this case, you’ll want to ask yourself “what would Jason Bourne do?”  Consider this as an example: 

• One morning, quietly wake up 5 minutes before your sibling normally does. Walk to the bathroom, turn on the light and fan, leave the bathroom and close the door.  Then run (hopefully in your stealthy sweatpants) to the most remote location in your house – generally, this will be wherever the fuse box is – and start pleasuring yourself.  While your sister is busy banging on the bathroom door and your family is busy trying to coax you out of the bathroom like hostage negotiators, you’ll have ample time to enjoy your own company.  Your excuse is that you simply woke-up early, decided to have an early breakfast while listening to your music, and, oops!, forgot to turn off the bathroom light. 

Desperate times call for desperate measures, soldier.

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers