Dear Mann Landers,
I’m writing to you on what should have been a relaxing Sunday evening. Let me start by stating - I am nothing short of the perfect husband. Honest! I bust my tail at work to ensure that my wife can have the lifestyle she deserves. I handle my fair share of chores around the house. I cook for her. I tickle her back in bed (because it helps her fall asleep). I go to the gym 3 times per week to ensure I stay in top physical shape. I’m told I have a strong resemblence to Tom Brady. Our sex life is vibrant. Just yesterday I even surprised her with a day at the spa after learning she had a tough week at work.
Sure enough today I woke up … annnnd she’s pissed at me for no reason at all. She’s short when we speak. When I ask what’s wrong she says “just drop it, it’s nothing”. I feel compelled to point out that it’s not “that time of the month” either.
The toilet seat is down. I cleaned up the garage yesterday like she asked. The milk carton is sufficiently full. I didn’t leave kleenex in my pocket in the laundry.
My relaxing Sunday has turned into a 24hr crucifiction. Why? … for that I have no answer.
What could I possibly have done to deserve this?
Sincerely,
Pleading Innocent, in Austin
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Dear Pleading Innocent,
This is simple. You haven’t done anything wrong. Zero. Nadda.
In fact, you are exactly what every woman would purport to be seeking in a man. Your wife has probably never had anything to legitimately chew you out over. She has never had anything to vent to her girlfriends about. She has never had anything to breakdown and cry over.
Therein lies your problem. You’re guilty of being perfect. The sentence? Random acts of aggression.
You are not alone, upon reaching perfection, many men out there are often very confused by this - so I’m really going to do my best to illustrate what’s going on:
Do you watch LOST? In that show, the survivors of flight 815 are forced to press a “button” every 108 minutes in order to decompress a dangerous electromagnetic charge. If the button is not pressed every 108 minutes - the world explodes.
This story arch in LOST is the closest analogy to the inner wirings of a woman that I can offer you. Women have the equivalent of a dangerous electromagnetic charge buried deep within them. It is absolutely imperative that you press her buttons from time to time - if you fail to do so, your world explodes.
By “pressing her buttons” I mean pick little meaningless fights … well they’ll be meaningless to you … but don’t worry she’ll be able to stretch it out into something other-worldly when she describes it to her girlfriends. You know what will happen after she vents to her girlfriends about your drama? She’ll come home happier than a bee on a sunflower. Why? Your meaningless fight will have decompressed her dangerous electromagnetic charge. Congrats.
You mentioned that it’s not “that time of the month”. Although you clearly studied hard in sex-ed … you’ve been fleeced if you believe that PMS stands for Pre Menstrual Syndrome, and only happens every 28 days. You’re wrong. PMS stands for Psychotic Mood Shift, and it’s constant.
Now that I have enlightened you to the fact that you’re living with a weapon of mass destruction, you’re likely hesitant to push the wrong buttons.
Try these diddies on for size:
- Bring home a delicious dinner for two … that she’s allergic to, and therefore cannot enjoy with you.
- Plan a guys weekend to somewhere she’s expressed she wants to go with you (e.g. NYC).
- Buy an expensive piece of furniture (e.g. Lay-Z-boy) that doesn’t match your decor … without consulting her.
- Take a big dump in the bathroom right before she has to take a shower and get ready in the morning.
Tread lightly at first, but be sure to give her at least one doozy per year. If she hasn’t left you for at least a few days to stay with her sister at some point along the way … you’re doing something wrong.
When she comes back you’ll learn that fights, although stressful, have their rewards too ; )
You’re welcome,
Mann Landers
