Dear Mann Landers,

Love reading your column - as a woman, I think we’d all be better off if Mann Landers was required reading for every man out there ; )

I thought that you’d be able to answer a question that has plagued me for years.  My ex-boyfriend used to get half-erections all the time - at work, in the park, at the pub, etc.  It didn’t bother me or anything, but I never understood why.  What’s the deal with semi-erections?

Sincerely,

Semi Curious, in Binghamton

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Dear Semi Curious,

I’m glad I have the opportunity to enlighten our female readers on such a stimulating topic.  While I can’t answer why men experience such frequent visitors, other than to say, “It’s science,” I can provide you with a brief history & overview on the subject…

The “half-erection” aka the chub or semi (pronounced sem-eye) is a phenomenon the male population has experienced since the beginning of time. The earliest written records date back to 3100 BC with the Sumerians of Mesopotamia.  The Sumerians attributed the semi to a gift from the gods – every time a male Sumerian spiked a chub it was thought to bring him or his family luck.  In fact, Sumerian men often sought chubs while on the field of battle for this very reason.

Flash forward 5,100 years and the chub has become a source of embarrassment for nearly every pubescent male.  Half-way through grade school, the average boy begins to fear the surprise visit from his semi-conscious friend.  What if he was called before the class or spotted on the playground with his half-erect 5th limb in full view?

Thankfully, men have developed several coping mechanisms to avoid such situations.

First, and foremost is “the tuck”.  As the name suggests, he simply places his no-longer-hibernating-bear up and under his belt with his shirt over top.  If he’s not wearing a belt, he may be able to get by with a firm waist-band.  But, he’s best served to test this out at home first - a Sears catalogue and some soft music should be enough to set the appropriate ambiance.

Another option is the “reverse tuck”.  This manoeuvre requires him to place his swollen member between his legs (note: not a full mangina).  For mobility and comfort reasons, the reverse tuck works best when sitting down. It’s hard to wrap your head around at first, but the mechanics are somewhat similar to that of him crossing his legs.

The last trick is the most difficult of all (so difficult in fact, it doesn’t have a name).  With practice, some men are able to control the chub with their mind.  This is not to be confused with focusing on non-stimulating images (such as his grandmother or baseball), which doesn’t have the same long term benefits as mind control.  Consider it like breaking a horse – only when he’s removed its wild spirit, will his stallion trust and obey him.

So women, don’t fret over your man’s ”semi.”  The odds are that your man is equally as perplexed by its surprise visit.

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers