Dear Mann Landers,

I love drinking red wine on dates - it gives me just the right buzz and there is something classy about spinning your wine in the glass and pontificating before taking a sip.

The problem is that it turns my entire mouth and lips dark purple! Surely that is a turn-off to women…

What should I do?

Big Red, in Indiana

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Dear Big Red,

Kudos to you for sticking with red wine despite the challenges it presents. Many men would have bailed on red wine, and taken up drinking white wine. I’m glad you didn’t… even if you opted for the finest $25/glass of white wine it would still accomplish the same thing as a $25,000 sex change —> it’d make you look like a woman.

So how do you drink red wine and avoid looking like you’ve eaten 4 packets of purple Fun-Dip? The answer lies in a non-alcoholic chaser called sparkling water!

Like most cost conscious men out there, you’re probably eager to save $3 on the dinner bill, and as a result you brush off the waiter when he offers you sparkling/still water, instead electing for the $0.00 tap water. Get the sparkling water next time! 

This might sound like a Colgate toothpaste commercial - but sparkling water’s unique stain fighting bubble-action carbonation attacks the red wine stain before it gets a chance to take root on your teeth.

One last tip - don’t lick your teeth and lips throughout the meal in hopes that this will keep them pristine looking… your tongue is like a rag soaked in red wine, you’re just making it worse.

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers