Dear Mann Landers,

First off, I love reading your column. I feel  it makes me a better girlfriend/woman-friend/lover, etc. I was dumped a few weeks back by a long distance boyfriend who is a major pro football fan. While we were dating, I lovingly cheered his team on wearing their colors, watching games, and even memorizing players’ stats. He gave me some basketball shorts with the team logo on them, which I proudly paraded around in everywhere.

Now that we are through, is it rude to send these back to him? At one point in time they were his favorite shorts. I don’t want them, and it would be a horrible waste of fan-wear to throw them out. I left the relationship with few hard feelings, and am now simply looking to get rid of the shorts, which now serve no purpose in my wardrobe.

Sincerely,

Super Sports Fan

**************************************************************

Oh Super Sports Fan,
 
Really?  You can only think of two options?  Throwing them out or sending them back?
 
These shorts clearly represent more to you than you are willing to admit.  Would I be wrong to assume you view these as a solid chance to spite him?  I think in your mind, you see the situation unfolding somthing like this: He goes to get his mail, and finds a small package.  Intrigued, he opens it and either…

1) is overcome by your sweet scent, which has lingered in the package. The combination of your scent and the sight of the shorts is too much and he suddenly regrets everything.

2) sees the shorts, and is upset for treating you so terribly and breaking up with you.  He can no longer watch his football team without thinking about you, and how he wronged you.

3) seeing that you were kind enough to return the shorts, starts wondering if he was wrong to break up with someone so kind.

You want to know the reality?  He’s going to see his shorts, and either think:
1) Sweet!  Got my shorts back!
2) Whoa… bitch is crazy!
3) She’s still into me!
4) All of the above

By sending the shorts back you’re telling him you’re still into him.  After watching so much football, you should know that a Hail Mary is a desperate move that rarely works. Well, you’re not even throwing a Hail Mary here - you’re attempting to kick a field goal through your own uprights! 

The only thing you can do in this situation is nothing.  Forget this guy, and forget his shorts.  If you can’t stand the sight of them, donate them to a charity, or indulge your inner drama queen and set them on fire.  (No, I’m not serious about setting them on fire).

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers