Mann,

My lady friend and I have great sex. We do it regularly and she’s into almost anything. One problem however, is her inability to talk dirty. I want to laugh when she tries to turn me on: “ooh, you bad boy”, “I’ve been such a dirty girl”, and so on and so forth. What can you suggest to help me out? 

Acoustically frustrated, in Cleveland

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Acoustically,

Have you ever tried to freestyle? You either can or you can’t. You have flow or you don’t. Your lady doesn’t. Spontaneity is not her friend, she needs a script. In other words, she’s a pop-singer, not a Tupac: fun to put your penis in, not listen to.

But, if you’re in it for the long-haul and you think your Brittney can become a Nicki Minaj I’d suggest trying any of the following:

(1) Watch pornography together – This has other great benefits too.

(2) Turn the table – Tell her that you’ve been a “bad and dirty boy.” See how she likes it! … But what if she does like it!?! (Proceed with caution).

(3) Be proactive – Tell her what you like to hear and maybe she’ll be into it. For example, “Melissa, I’d appreciate if next time we were having intercourse that you would call me a little boy or tell me that I’m pathetic. Thanks, great talk!”

(4) Positive reinforcement – Say or scream “yes” every time she says something you like. Say nothing, and put your pants on and leave the room, when she says something you don’t like.

But if you’re really desperate for some aural pleasure, and your lady-friend is merely a friend, I’d suggest scouring the local hip-hop karaoke scene. You’ll find some lyrically talented freaks there. Think…

 

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers