Dear Mann Landers,

Tonight I told my girlfriend that I love her curves. Despite my genuine intentions of making a compliment, this comment landed me in a fight, and then landed me on the couch, which is where I am writing this email.

Where did I go wrong?

Sincerely ,

Couch Potato, in Vancouver BC

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Dear Couch Potato,

This is a textbook botchliment (botched compliment). As a man, it was only a matter of time before you unexpectedly stumbled into this harsh world.

A botchliment is the result of making a compliment based on logic rather than illogical woman-speak.

Would a woman be flattered if you had said “oh I love your flat ass”? No!

Is it common knowledge that men around the world find the curves of a woman’s body sexy? Yes!

Do you need to throw that logic out the window when speaking to a woman? Definitely!

My advice:  don’t bother trying to decipher women’s erratic language, it’s far too unpredictable for the male brain to comprehend. There are innumerable factors that can turn a compliment into a botchliment —> time of day, time of month, season, lunar cycle, TV lineup, her friend’s new outfit, etc, etc, etc.

When you give a botchliment don’t fight back… you wont win. Create a botchliment memory book - write down anything you get burned on and never say it again. Set up a botchliment buddy system so you can compare with friends and preemptively help one another avoid flare ups. The sad truth? Eventually your botchliment list will grow so long that you’ll stop speaking around her for fear of ridicule.

To get you started here are 4 common botchliments:

1. What you say: Wow, you finished all of that? That’s my girl!                                 What she hears: Check out Shamoo over here…

2. What you say: It’s all good, I’m not really a boob guy anyway.                              What she hears: Your boobs look like pancakes hanging on a pair of nails

3. What you say: You look fine, lets just go already!                                                  What she hears: Being seen with you in public is just bearable…

4. What you say: You look tired babe?                                                                    What she hears: Maybe you should put on some more makeup babe?

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers