Due to the fact that I get many requests each day from fans that are eager to contribute to the Mann Landers Column - I figured it was only fair to give my legion of followers an opportunity to speak their mind.

Every Wednesday, aka “Hump Day”, I’ll be posting a reader’s question on the site and ask that you all lend that poor soul a “Helping Hand” by sharing your advice in the comments section.

I continue to look forward to reading your insights and perspectives each week - this is your shot to lend a “Helping Hand”.  Without further adieu…

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Dear Mann Landers,

I was told once by a reliable source that, “To get the woman that you want, you need to become the man that you want to be”.

Now, I’m a virgin to the relationship scene. Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t think I’m ready for anything anytime soon. But I’ve had one girl on my mind since my early teens. (I’m now approaching my twenties). Of all the females that run through a teenage male’s mind, she’s the only one that’s stuck around consistently.

What’s even more rare is that the object of my affection is actually an accessible, approachable, down-to-earth human being. The problem is ….that she’s over 4 years older. This is a sticky range, where it’s too young to be a cougar but too old to be completely on par with my generation. To add to that, I already know her as a close friend and we call back & forth, but she tends to see me as (dare I say it)…. a little brother.

How can I:

1. overcome this mini-age gap
2. escape the ‘little brother’ label, and
3. keep my foot in the door for the future when I become ‘the man I want to be’ ???

Sincerely,

What’s In an Age?, in Alberta

Dear Mann Landers,

I can’t get over a girl that I’ve unsuccessfully chased after for nearly a decade. My friends get annoyed with the whole thing and don’t understand what the big deal is. In my head no one else measures up. As a result I just don’t have any interest in dating anyone else.

How can I get over this girl?

Sincerely,

The One That Got Away, in Lancaster

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Dear The One That Got Away,

It’s time to put her in the ground. No no no - I’m not talking about taking out a hitman on her … I’m talking about having a love funeral for the idea of you two being together.

When you lose someone you’ve loved, or in this case “loved the idea of”, it can leave you bitstrated (bitter + frustrated). That’s why you have funerals.

The purpose of a funeral is twofold: 

1. Declares the death of a loved one (or in this case the idea of the relationship)
2. Memorializes the loved one’s life

What do you do at a love funeral?

It’s meant to be a celebration of the “love” that you’re burying! Play “your” song on repeat, write down a little speech that summarizes all the characteristics that you loved about her, think of all the good things that she brought out of you, etc. 

These are the things you want to walk away from the love funeral with. This is why you have a love funeral - so you don’t just sit around being bitstrated (bitter + frustrated).

*Note: the saying that “we’re all like snowflakes, no two are the same” is really a bit of a farce… yes we are all different, but we’re far less unique then that famous saying would suggest. Chances are that you’ll be able to find a girl that you’ll love the idea of just as much, and when it’s reciprocated the two of you can combine your snowflakes into a snowball of love. (<—- sorry I’m really tired as I write this one)

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

Due to the fact that I get many requests each day from fans that are eager to contribute to the Mann Landers Column - I figured it was only fair to give my legion of followers an opportunity to speak their mind.

Every Wednesday, aka “Hump Day”, I’ll be posting a reader’s question on the site and ask that you all lend that poor soul a “Helping Hand” by sharing your advice in the comments section.

I continue to look forward to reading your insights and perspectives each week - this is your shot to lend a “Helping Hand”.  Without further adieu…

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Dear Mann Landers,

There’s this guy I go to school that’s been kind of annoying me lately. At first I thought he was alright, so I gave him my phone number (via Facebook, mind you. Oh yeah, very classy). We’ve had a few conversations where he’d always try to flirt, but I always ended up ignoring them. I thought that I could still be friends with him by just ignoring those texts. So I continued texting him, but with the purpose of just being friends. But now I think he misunderstood! He keeps giving me nonstop texts!

I wanted to be acquaintances with him from the very beginning, but now, I think he’s interested and turning him down will make me look bad. How do I dump him without making him feel bad?

Sincerely,

A Little too Late, in Wisconsin 

Dear Mann Landers,

I was born premature as a baby. Little did I know that that characteristic would follow me throughout my life. Yes …. what I’m getting at is I’m premature in bed. I’m quick.

Any trade secrets to share Mann?

Usain Bolt, in Jamaica

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Dear Usain Bolt,

I’m guessing you’re not actually the world’s fastest man Usain Bolt - but you do get the award for best “cover name” in the history of my column.

It’s ironic that you chose the name Usain Bolt - a man who earned world wide acclaim for his speed in finishing a race in 9.58 seconds.

When he finishes fast he get’s greeted like this:

Whereas when you finish fast you likely get greeted like this:

The truth is that your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great ancestors would likely be incredibly envious of your speed. Turns out that being “fast in bed” was a very sought after attribute back in the day. It meant that you could spread your seed quickly without fear of predators attacking you while you and your lady  were “caught up in the moment”. Women of the time surely viewed a speedy guy as being a very considerate gentleman - one that cared more for her safety then prolonging his pleasure. ~*Awwee*~

When am I going to get to an answer? Well I’m posturing … I don’t have a solution. I don’t think you can fight millenniums of human evolution. From what I understand you’re born on either the slow track or the fast track. Sure you can try kegels, or psychology … but if any of that stuff truly worked then let’s face it, no one would suffer from this problem you face - they’d just Google it and fix it ASAP.

Just pay more attention to her in the ways that you are in 100% control. Take your time with pre-insertion (<— aka foreplay).  That or create a time machine and go back 1 million years to a time when your speed will be more revered.

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

Dear Mann Landers,

I’ve been single for ages. Whether it’s at the bar or at house parties, I always end up feeling invisible. I work at a 9-5 job that is the furthest thing from glamorous and/or interesting. How can I get more girls attention - do I have to just start making shit up to sound interesting?

Sincerely,

Average, in Albany

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Dear Average,

Do me a favor and imagine for a second that you’re an actor. You’ve been type-cast as the regular everyday normal guy. In case it’s not already obvious to you …. from a young age, girls aspire to find their one true love … not their one true regular everyday normal guy.

All hope is not lost. Like any struggling actor you just need to find that breakout role that will associate your good name with elements that cut deep into the heart of women.  Don’t believe me?  Think about Ryan Gosling.

He had is awkward years during his 43 episode run on Breaker High ….

Then came this ….

Now everyday he has to “deal with” this …

Now, you don’t have to quit your 9-5 job. You just gotta find that role to associate your name with. Maybe you’ll tap into a girls sense of adventure by becoming a sky diving instructor on weekends. Maybe you’ll tap into a girls urge to rebel by opening an underground after hours bar with some friends. Maybe you’ll tap into a girls desire for great sex by making it known that you’ve ventured off to southern Asia to take a course on tantric love making.

Just know that you’re not going to tap into anything with the standard 9-5 job shtick.

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

Dear Readers,

I must apologize for my absence. I’ll admit I’m not a writer by trade, I’m a lover. Being a lover - I never experienced lover’s block. Being a writer I did experience a case of writer’s block.

It meant a lot to get a series of emails from readers expressing their concern for my well being. In answer to their questions:

• No I have not taken ill
• No I have not become a bitter scorned lover
• No I have not quit the column
• No I have not been sued by Ann Landers
• Yes I have realized that there is no money to be made in providing light-hearted relationship advice to men …. but that’s not going to stop me from continuing to do what I do, which is write about what you all should do to improve what you do

So here is the deal …. I still think TV Shows & Movies reach more people then a daily blog, so I’m going to try to find backers to turn this column into a video production of some kind in order to spread my gospel as far as possible. If you or anyone you know has connections …. hook a mann up.

In an effort to free up some time - I will be moving to a “book end” model. What’s that? Well it means that I will be publishing new posts on Monday & Friday to “book end” the work week. I will also continue to do Helping Hand Hump Days on Wed. so I can continue to learn from all of you in the comments.

Please recommend my column to your friends on Facebook. You don’t know how frustrating it is to see that a site like MyLifeIsAverage has 1,647% more fans than mine.

Thanks for the warm welcome back.

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

Due to the fact that I get many requests each day from fans that are eager to contribute to the Mann Landers Column - I figured it was only fair to give my legion of followers an opportunity to speak their mind.

Every Wednesday, aka “Hump Day”, I’ll be posting a reader’s question on the site and ask that you all lend that poor soul a “Helping Hand” by sharing your advice in the comments section.

I continue to look forward to reading your insights and perspectives each week - this is your shot to lend a “Helping Hand”.  Without further adieu…

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ok heres the situation… 

theres this girl whos writing to me on myspace. n i just met her, dont know how she found me but w.e but she writes to me saying hey nice body n that im cute n shes only 4hrs away n she ask me what im doing this weekend and if i wanted to hang out i said ya,  like well have fun n such, then she writes well sex included?

btw i have a girlfriend in korea, n my gf is pretty noisy n she actually tried to have one of her friends try to get with me over a text message once, but like today she said she changed her ways n that i can talk to girls again n basically she doesnt care as long as i dont do anything, soo what do u think about this situation.. the myspace girl made myspacelike yesterday n only has 4 friends n one of them is me..