Dear Mann Landers,

Since your disappearance, I haven’t been so well off when it comes to the ladies. I am but a mere college student awash in a sea of attractive ladies, with no source of brilliant expertise to guide me. My current woman-of-choice has been giving me a fair amount of trouble. Y’see, I feel she is giving me mixed signals. 

We first met after a chance encounter on an airplane, all George Clooney, Up in the Air, style. Totally cliche’d and romantic. Shortly thereafter she made efforts to spend time together, multiple days in a row and I was hopeful. However, she would say things like, “I don’t think I’m looking for a relationship”, and “I’m not sure I really like anyone right now”. For a month or so she dropped off the map and we didn’t talk much, but now we are talking again, went out to dinner recently, and she is flirty as ever. But tis difficult to say whether she wants me to make a move, or if we are in the infamous “friend zone”. How do I get a clear idea of what she wants, Mann Landers?

Sincerely,

Lost w/o a Compass 

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Dear Lost w/o a Compass, 

As far as compasses go, she’s leading you down a clear path, you just need to pay attention!

When was the last time you flirted with someone you weren’t sexually interested in?  Flirting is based in sexual tension.  You’re telling me that you met on a plane, hung out consistently after, have since gone for dinner together, and you are still confused if she is interested?  She might as well have been a female baboon “presenting” herself to you, swollen rump and all! 

Female baboons in heat

You need to be the hero here and take control of the situation.  You’re right - you run the risk of ending up in the friend zone, but not because she’s not into you, but because at this moment the sperm swimming in your testicles have bigger balls than you (and that’s saying something because it’s not even physically possible!). Let me tell you something to put your mind at at ease: those comments about not looking for a relationship and not being into anyone are a poor attempt at playing hard to get.    

If you want to know where you stand, Mann up and make a move or a suggestive comment, or do something to show you’re interested - anything!  What have you got to lose?  May I remind you this is some random girl you met on a plane - someone with whom you share zero mutual friends.

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

Dear Mann Landers,

I’m terrible with names. I feel like every time I get introduced to a stunning girl at a party or bar, I end up getting caught up in her beauty - and her name slips in one ear and out the other. As a result, I make a poor 1st impression when I open with “Sorry - what’s your name again?” later in the evening.

Suggestions?

Sincerely,

Name Impaired, in Indianapolis

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Dear Name Impaired,

One of the most flattering things you can do is remember a woman’s name - it conveys one thing loud and clear … your interest in her!

It takes genuine effort to block out distractions (e.g. her breasts) in order to take in her name. Common etiquette only grants you one “I’m sorry I didn’t catch your name?”, and you’ve only got a 10 second buffer in which to do so - act quickly!

That said, getting her name is far different than learning her name. Here are my tips on learning her name, using the 5 most popular baby girl names of 2010:

First - are you are better remembering images or sounds? 

Better with images?

Create an image associated with her name and link it to a physical characteristic of hers.

1. Sophia: picture soap lathered all over Sophia’s long legs 
2. Isabella: picture Isabella holding two ice cold Stellas … naked
3. Olivia: picture Olivia sucking the pimento out of an olive with her sexy mouth
4. Emma: picture Emma’s boobs painted to look like M&M’s
5. Chloe: picture Chloe’s captivating eyes glowing (chloe-ing?) at night

Better with sounds?

Make a rhyme associating her name with your first impression of her. 

1. Sophia: Sophia, Sophia I want to bone you in my Kia
2. Isabella: Gonna be my Isa-bella ella-ella, ay ay ay, Gonna be my Isabella ella-ella, ay ay ay 
3. Olivia: Olivia I wanna be in ‘ya
4. Emma: Emma the boner you’re giving me at this party is causing a dilemma
5. Chloe: “Chloe you should know me” - spoken by your penis in your imagination

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

Dear Mann Landers,

I don’t get art - but the girl I’m into likes art. How can I fake being into art… to the point that I can fit in with her artsy friends.

Sincerely,

Art Schfart, in Arizona

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Dear Art Schfart,

Faking that you’re into art is like faking that you’re into drinking scotch… it doesn’t work. Eventually your audience will catch you gagging.

Art is like scotch in another way too - they’re both acquired tastes. Ask any scotch drinker and they’ll give you the same advice - you need to learn by drinking the good stuff. 

It’s hard to acquire a palette that appreciates scotch when you’re drinking something closely resembling paint thinner (wrapped in a scotch label and a $10 price tag).

Similarly, it’s hard to acquire a palette for fine art when you’re attending a showing (kegger) held in a cookie-cutter unfinished space with a catering menu consisting of sour cream & onion, all-dressed chips, and extreme heat Doritos. 

So leave your preconceived notions behind and surprise your girl by getting tickets to a higher end gallery in your city. You might be surprised by how some of the more renowned work makes you feel! 

If you STILL hate even the great stuff? Not to worry… that just means you’re a natural art critic with an extremely (overly?) distinguished palette. <— people get paid for that!

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

Dear Mann Landers,

Tonight I told my girlfriend that I love her curves. Despite my genuine intentions of making a compliment, this comment landed me in a fight, and then landed me on the couch, which is where I am writing this email.

Where did I go wrong?

Sincerely ,

Couch Potato, in Vancouver BC

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Dear Couch Potato,

This is a textbook botchliment (botched compliment). As a man, it was only a matter of time before you unexpectedly stumbled into this harsh world.

A botchliment is the result of making a compliment based on logic rather than illogical woman-speak.

Would a woman be flattered if you had said “oh I love your flat ass”? No!

Is it common knowledge that men around the world find the curves of a woman’s body sexy? Yes!

Do you need to throw that logic out the window when speaking to a woman? Definitely!

My advice:  don’t bother trying to decipher women’s erratic language, it’s far too unpredictable for the male brain to comprehend. There are innumerable factors that can turn a compliment into a botchliment —> time of day, time of month, season, lunar cycle, TV lineup, her friend’s new outfit, etc, etc, etc.

When you give a botchliment don’t fight back… you wont win. Create a botchliment memory book - write down anything you get burned on and never say it again. Set up a botchliment buddy system so you can compare with friends and preemptively help one another avoid flare ups. The sad truth? Eventually your botchliment list will grow so long that you’ll stop speaking around her for fear of ridicule.

To get you started here are 4 common botchliments:

1. What you say: Wow, you finished all of that? That’s my girl!                                 What she hears: Check out Shamoo over here…

2. What you say: It’s all good, I’m not really a boob guy anyway.                              What she hears: Your boobs look like pancakes hanging on a pair of nails

3. What you say: You look fine, lets just go already!                                                  What she hears: Being seen with you in public is just bearable…

4. What you say: You look tired babe?                                                                    What she hears: Maybe you should put on some more makeup babe?

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

Dear Mann Landers,

What is the #1 complaint you hear from ladies about what men are doing wrong? Bad manners? Lame fashion style? Neglected manscaping?  

Sincerely,

One Step at a Time, in Tampa Bay

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Dear One Step at a Time,

Sometimes a simple question like yours can offer up the greatest opportunity to highlight a major issue for the masses. The answer?

• Bad Manners? No. If you’ve got poor manners, a lady is going to ignore you from the outset
• Lame Fashion Sense? No. A lot of ladies take pleasure in correcting their man’s style anyways.
• Neglected Manscaping? No. I’m glad you mentioned it though, because the major problem is somewhat related. Allow me to explain…

I’m all for grooming your nether regions, but don’t you think you’re getting a bit ahead of yourself? Unless you’re looking to woo a female comic book hero with x-ray vision (or you walk around pantsless), having a bonsai-tree-like pubic zone is not going to get you ahead in the game of love.

You know what will? Getting a $20 mani-pedi.

Ya that’s right - if you spent half as much time/money on your fingernails & toenails as you did on styling your genitalia you’d get more girls. Fingernails/Toenails are the #1 thing guys do wrong.

Ask 100 girls what their worst love making nightmare is, and 99 of them will say that it’s the thought of a guy with long fingernails attempting to “press her buttons” (if you catch my drift). Toenails are important too! Nothing ruins post-coital cuddling like an open wound on her leg caused by a slash from your machete-like big toe.

Stop buying special attachments for your electric shaver. Get a $20 mani-pedi. You’ll get more bang for your buck (literally).

It’s good to be back.

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

PS. As I mentioned - I’ve likely scorned many past readers with my prolonged absence. I’m going to teach myself computer programming today in hopes of installing a Facebook share/Like button on my column. In the meantime if you deem it worthy… I’d be honored if you shared this link on Facebook and encouraged your friends to check out my column.

Dear Readers,

I am sorry to have left you all so abruptly. I came into your lives, swept you off your feet and together we became better lovers by sharing laughs. I understand why so many of you wanted more. Please know - It wasn’t you, it was me.

One of the many love lessons I’ve learned in life is that it’s far easier to sneak out while your conquest sleeps, than to face the awkwardness of sobriety. That said, after several aimless months, I’ve realized that you (my audience) were not simply conquests, you were far more important to me. I write to you now, heart in hand, hoping you will have me back and lay your eyes upon my column once again.

The truth … if you will hear it … is that after many months locked away in celibacy sharing my lessons with you - I myself had stopped learning. So yes, I selfishly snuck out to travel the world and indulge myself in the lessons of love again. Maybe our paths crossed? I wear Armani Code cologne, size 12 shoes, and have gentle eyes.

And so as quickly as I had left, I am back in your life. My posts may be sporadic at first (Mon/Wed/Fri) - but they’ll come. I have undoubtedly scorned many fans with my absence… so I would appreciate any help you can offer in spreading the word of my return.

Please send emails to askmannlanders@gmail.com. If you want your questions answered: keep ‘em short & unique. You can also tweet questions to me here —> @mannlanders and I’ll tweet you back. Real-time advice? Yep, that’s right… the future is here.

So here’s a toast to sharing laughs and becoming better lovers in 2011.

*TOAST*

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

Mr. Mann,

I know that this site is mostly for men, actually, just for men but I can’t help myself with noticing that you give great advice. I am in a bit of a situation with a guy I like and I would like some advice from..a guy. Girls can only give so much advice that is actually helpful.

Anyway, i met this guy working at a Kids Camp this summer and we really hit it off. We flirted back and forth all that week. He is a couple years older than me but that hadn’t seem to bother either of us. After the camp was over we exchanged numbers and have continued to text to this very day. 

Just within the last week he has started calling me “Bud”. I have no clue what that means in guy language but in Girl code that brings you into a friend zone.

Please bring me some clarity,

Dazed and Confused 

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Dear Dazed and Confused,

First to be clear, when a guy calls you “bud”, “friend”, or anything at all, it doesn’t necessarily mean anything.  He could call you “Slutty McSlut Slut” and it probably wouldn’t mean much.  Some guys tend to do stupid things like this as either an attempt to flirt, or for the same reason they will attempt to re-enact Jackass 3D – they’re just not thinking straight. Rather than wasting your time analyzing what he means by how he greets you, judge your relationship based on how he treats you (no rhyme intended).  What’s important here is context, so let’s examine the context that you’ve given me to work with…

It’s nearly November.  You met this guy in the summer, and for a week and engaged in some flirting.  One week, three to five months ago (depending on when in the summer) and since then you’ve moved on to texting regularly?  I assume this means you’re not living in the same city, otherwise you would actually… you know… see him in person.

Here’s a list of questions you need to answer before going any further:

1) Do you live in the same city?  If you do, why are you texting regularly and not seeing each other regularly?

2) Did you actually hit it off, or are you only selectively remembering the times he flirted with you, and forgetting the moments he was less than interested?

3) What has prevented this relationship from going beyond texts?  

4) Does your texting involve sexting?

I understand hearing “bud” and wondering what it means.  Sometimes that can throw you for a loop.  What is really more important here though is the fact that your relationship is based on texting, which means if this was the 1980s, you would either be pen pals, or not communicating – not exactly the hot and heavy romance you might be dreaming of.  Push for more interaction, or resolve to being the 21st century version of a pen-pal.

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

Dear Mann Landers,

I have a crush on my Starbucks barista. I see her every morning, and I often return in the early afternoon to catch her before her shift ends for round two.

We seem to have great chemistry!

How do I get past the customer/barista relationship and transition to a Romeo/Juliet relationship?

Sincerely,

Grande Americano Misto, in Memphis

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Dear Grande Americano Misto,

I welcome this question with open arms, as I’d imagine there are a lot of Barista Crushes out there.

First things first - go for it!

You’ll want to avoid asking her out during stressful situations like when she’s working the cash or while she’s relaying the orders from the cash to the person concocting the drinks. I can’t even imagine how stressful it must be to translate “Grande Low Fat Half Sweet No Foam Latte with Soy in a Venti Cup, Double Sleeved” into a few check marks on a paper cup.

Your best case scenario is to wait until she’s working the “finishing touches” part of the production line. There’s something sexy about the act of frothing milk, dusting something with powdered chocolate, or drizzling caramel in a delicate pattern. Waiting for this moment is your best bet to catch her in the right state of mind.

Here are some options:

• Corny - as she hands you your coffee, pretend to get all flustered and say “shit, I hate when I forget to ask for something” to which she’ll surely respond “don’t worry! what did you forget?” … to which you respond “I meant to ask you for your number so we can hang sometime” … be sure to have a pen readily available.
• Sweet & Discreet - pass her a note. Have it read “I can’t lie to you anymore. I hate coffee. I come here for you. Text me your number so we can do lunch this week (555) 555-5555.”

If your attempt doesn’t work … thankfully there is a Starbucks on every major street corner.

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

Dear Mann Landers,

I would love to meet a great girl, but I feel like I’ve exhausted all contacts within my social networks. You can only ask your friends, or your friends’ girlfriends to keep you in mind for any of their single friends so many times before you get labelled “that guy”.

I’m not crazy about the idea of meeting people online, and I just feel guilty about volunteering or getting involved in my community with the underlying purpose being that I want to meet new girls.

Suggestions?

Tapped Out, in Tuscon

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Dear Tapped Out,

Provided you’re a relatively young guy - I can think of one stone that is likely un-turned …. your friends’ moms!

No, I’m not suggesting you try to be the second coming of Finch from American Pie…. remove this image from your mind immediately:

No, what I’m suggesting is that you tap into the highly connected network of women that are readily available to you. Picture these wholesome motherly type:

Do whatever it takes to get yourself invited over to a family dinner at a friend’s place. Bring a token of appreciation in the form of a dessert, or maybe some flowers … moms love that. Engage with the mom in a subtle dance of flirtation so as to get her “train” of thought onto the “tracks of romance”. Come prepared to dinner with plenty to talk about:

• 2 random funny stories
• 1 simple joke
• 1 endearing story about your childhood
• A clear and concise explanation of what you aspire to do with your life

If you follow that plan, you’ll successfully come across as the charming guy that relishes family, and has real goals in life.

Do you know what mom’s do when they meet charming guys, that relish family and have real goals in life?  They set them up with the beautiful daughters of the women in their pilates class.

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

Dear Mann Landers,

Let me cut to the chase. I met this girl at a bar the other night and we really hit it off. At the end of the night, I didn’t know what to do – should I move in for a kiss, invite her back to my place, should I grab her hand…? I thought about making a move, but wasn’t really sure she would go for it.  What should I have done?  What do I do now – is there any way to salvage this?

Sincerely,

No Finish in Finland

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Dear No Finish,

This is part II of my response.  Part I can be found here.  Today’s part one outlined what to do, whereas today will outline what to do if your approach fails.

Now imagine that whatever you have done, she has rejected in some fashion.  This was your worst case scenario, right?  A seriously awkward situation.  The two of you standing there – you melting in the rejection, and she, arms crossed rolling her eyes while crickets chirp in the background.

It might surprise you to learn that in my younger days, I also had a mentor or two.  Their advice still sticks with me to this day:  A lady does not judge you on your approach, but rather on your recovery.  It doesn’t matter if you go down in flames on your attempt, if you can bounce back quickly, you’re likely in a good position.

You have to remember that while you are on offense, and trying to score, women are innately defensive, protecting their chastity like a bear protecting her cubs.  Scoring will not be easy – even if you’re only after a phone number, her instinct might be to turn you down.  If you come back with a witty response, or just aren’t phased by the rejection, you’ll come across as poised rather than a nervous wreck – more Bond than McLovin (though admittedly somewhere in the middle of that spectrum). 

 A solid recovery might be the key to the promised land, or at least the key to the phone number, that might eventually lead to a date, and then hopefully the promised land*.  If she clearly isn’t interested, this is where you need to walk away, head held high.  You gave it your best shot and should have no regrets.

Here’s the best part: that trite saying about there being plenty of other fish in the sea… it’s true.  Complaints like  ”It’s so hard to meet people” and “All the good ones are taken,” are made by people who are still single (or unsuccessful) because they make dumb comments like that, so don’t get caught in that trap. If you think “all the good ones are taken” then you just have to go for younger girls (of legal age). Trick them into loving you early.

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

*Note: By “promised land” I meant love.  What did you think I meant?