Dear Mann Landers

When I wake up in the morning my voice is about 4 octaves lower than my normal everyday voice. I can hardly distinguish the words coming out of my own mouth, so I can’t imagine any girl being able to comprehend my morning pillow talk flirting.

What can I do to remedy the situation?

Sincerely,

Chocolate Rain, in Chicago

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Dear Chocolate Rain,

You are correct. It’s human nature that when your vocal chords sit dormant at night they become dry and stiff and the result is a voice with a lot more bass.

You can:

1. Gargle with Mouthwash: it’ll lube up your pipes while also making your breath fresh. The problem? The sound alone might weird her out.
2. Hum “Doe Rae Me” in the Shower: it’ll be like calisthenics for your chords.  The problem? You showering will give a signal that you’re not coming back to bed.

My suggestion?

Embrace the bass! Leverage the deep voice by singing the following lyrics to her….

My darling, I can’t get enough of your love babe

Girl, I don’t know, I don’t know why

Can’t get enough of your love babe

Oh, some things I can’t get used to

No matter how I try

Just like the more you give, the more I want

And baby, that’s no lie

Oh no, babe

See you don’t have a problem that needs a remedy, you’ve got a morning talent that just hasn’t seen the light of day.

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

Dear Mann Landers,

I’m a female reader. Why is there a double standard when it comes to the age difference in the dating world?

If a 27yr old guy dates a 20yr old girl… no big deal. If a 27yr old girl dates a 20yr old guy… it’s the end of the world!

What gives?

Sincerely,

Curious Person, in Toronto

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Dear Curious Person,

I agree - it’s not fair! That said, as people judge you… guess who’s not feeling the least bit sorry for you? —> Every guy that’s ever gone through grade 9.

A typical grade 9 boy has a boner 21hrs a day, yet he has to deal with the following environment….

• 85% of girls his age are smoking hot
• 100% of the girls his age are being pursued by older guys
• 97% of girls his age are only interested in dating older guys
• 100% of girls younger than him are off-limits to relieve aforementioned boner - because it’s considered cradle robbing

What’s a grade 9 boy to do?

So for you - the 27yr old Demi boning the 20yr old Ashton? Well, as in most scenarios in life - before you cry “woe is me” it’s important that you think of the less fortunate —> the grade 9 boys of the world.

You’re a female entering her sexual prime that’s boning a guy in his sexual prime. It’s sexual balance at it’s finest! Why are you complaining?

Any haters are just jealous - bone away!

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

Dear Mann Landers,

I went on vacation last week and met this guy.  We really hit it off, and one thing led to another… yada yada yada.  I won’t lie to you, I knew in advance that he had a girlfriend, but I figured it was a vacation and these things often happen.  But, we live in the same city.  I’m a little lost about how to deal with this situation.  I feel guilty, but also like this guy quite a bit.  I don’t want to ruin his relationship, but at the same time really like him.  Can you help?

Sincerely,

Guilty Mistress

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Dear Guilty Mistress,

Let me start by saying that I do not condone any form of cheating.  It is not gentlemanly, nor is it lady-like.  You have two contradictory desires: 1) to be free of guilt and 2) to have this guy all to yourself.  TAchieving that is like trying to masturbate and cry at the same time – very difficult.

Let me simplify the decision process for you.  You are not going to get this guy.  You are part of his spring vacation fun – you represent a holiday from “real life.”  When you’re on vacation, life is easy.  You got “intimate” without the regular stresses of life… which is to say that your post coital conversation didn’t revolve around when you’re going to do laundry, or clean the kitchen, or why he hasn’t cleaned the pee off the toilet seat yet.  More than likely, your stress-free conversation had crashing waves as the soundtrack, followed by falling asleep under the stars.  In short, your “relationship” with him was a part of a fantasy.

If it eases your mind, there’s no reason to feel guilty.  Cheating with you will likely result in one of two things for him:  He’ll either realize how much he loves his girlfriend and never do it again, or the experience will make him realize that he’s not so into his girlfriend and he’ll move on.  Consider yourself the catalyst for progressing both of their lives.  Look at you, you good samaritan, you.

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

Dear Mann Landers,

My girlfriend is incredibly successful. I am not.

My girlfriend keeps getting more and more successful. I do not.

I’m starting to feel insecure. Should I aim to keep up? Should I settle into the role of 2nd highest paid in the household?

I just want to keep her around!

Sincerely,

Eating Her Dust, in Denver

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Dear Eating Her Dust,

Relax - it’s a great problem to have. Your girlfriend sounds like she’s an absolute catch.

I’m glad you wrote in because the two options you’ve been weighing are both wrong…

1.) Should You Aim To Keep Up?

No. She’s got a significant head start, which means you’ll have to go the high-risk / high-reward entrepreneurial route which has a 99% failure rate. Will a catch like her want to stay with a failure?

2.) Should You Settle In To The Role Of 2nd Highest Paid Member in the Household?

No. She’ll grow to resent you if she catches you slothing around all day playing fantasy sports and wearing sweats - while making no effort to break one.

*There is a 3rd option… and it’s a sure fire way to avoid losing her…

3.) Should You Keep Any Full-time Job & Become A Cunnilinguist?

Yes. Hopefully gaining full-time employment is achievable. Becoming a cunnilinguist involves commitment and $10.17 to buy The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus.

Accomplish #3 and She’ll stick with you in sickness and in health.

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

Dear Mann Landers,

I love drinking red wine on dates - it gives me just the right buzz and there is something classy about spinning your wine in the glass and pontificating before taking a sip.

The problem is that it turns my entire mouth and lips dark purple! Surely that is a turn-off to women…

What should I do?

Big Red, in Indiana

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Dear Big Red,

Kudos to you for sticking with red wine despite the challenges it presents. Many men would have bailed on red wine, and taken up drinking white wine. I’m glad you didn’t… even if you opted for the finest $25/glass of white wine it would still accomplish the same thing as a $25,000 sex change —> it’d make you look like a woman.

So how do you drink red wine and avoid looking like you’ve eaten 4 packets of purple Fun-Dip? The answer lies in a non-alcoholic chaser called sparkling water!

Like most cost conscious men out there, you’re probably eager to save $3 on the dinner bill, and as a result you brush off the waiter when he offers you sparkling/still water, instead electing for the $0.00 tap water. Get the sparkling water next time! 

This might sound like a Colgate toothpaste commercial - but sparkling water’s unique stain fighting bubble-action carbonation attacks the red wine stain before it gets a chance to take root on your teeth.

One last tip - don’t lick your teeth and lips throughout the meal in hopes that this will keep them pristine looking… your tongue is like a rag soaked in red wine, you’re just making it worse.

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

Dear Mann Landers,

There is this girl I have a crush on, but she doesn’t know who I am. I guess you could say she is in my peripheral friends circles and I see her all the time at parties. But I am far too shy to approach her. Since we have mutual friends should I just try adding her to facebook and try to start things off that way? It sure would make my life easier, but I also don’t want to look like a creep.

Thanks,

Face-less in Ithaca, New York

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Dear Face-less,

DON’T ADD HER!!! No matter how smart it seems when you’re drunk at 4 in the morning this weekend… it isn’t.  Being the creepy random-friendship-requester is the digital equivalent of that guy who lurks up on an unsuspecting girl at the bar and starts grinding her from behind. Ask any girl who has experienced this and you’ll learn everything you need to know about the effectiveness of such strategy

Your best bet of pulling off the digital pickup is to start in the analog world. There is a certain level of believability and trust that is instantly established in face-to-face encounters for which there is no equivalence online. Take advantage of your mutual friends by convincing one of them to help get you into a face-to-face conversation with her. It doesn’t have to be anything too intense, all your friend needs to do is open up a small window where you can be properly introduced and have a short conversation. Once the three of you are talking it is your job to find a ‘hook’ in the conversation that will give you a reason to follow up with her. It doesn’t matter what the topic is, you can always find a hook:

 1) if she mentions she loves the new Arcade Fire album say: “yeah it is pretty good, but if you like them I’ll send you some stuff that will make your head explode.” It doesn’t matter if you have no idea who Arcade Fire is, just say it, and tomorrow you can research them and find similar music.

 2) if she mentions she is taking the bus to New York next weekend, say:  “no way, I am going too, my friend is driving and I am sure there is space for you”. It doesn’t matter if you’ve never been to New York City because you’re too scared, just say it, and then find a reason later for your plans to change.

The point is, you now have a non-pathetic reason to send her a facebook message, and once that’s been established, it is perfectly acceptable to add her as a friend, start a digi-flirt session with her, and spend hours creeping every picture of her in a bikini. 

Please remember, though, even if you make it onto her friends list you’re still on thin ice, new relationships always have a probation period, especially digital relationships where it’s much easier to look creepy than cool. There are still numerous ways you can sink your own boat. Some general rules to follow: (1) Avoid incessant posting on her wall; (2) only comment on her status if it is highly pertinent; (3) don’t ‘poke’, no one has ever looked cool ‘poking’ someone else; and (3) only comment on pictures that are posted after you became ‘friends’. If you find yourself commenting on a picture from her family vacation in 2007 turn your computer off and give yourself a shake.  

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

Dear Mann Landers,

First off, I love reading your column. I feel  it makes me a better girlfriend/woman-friend/lover, etc. I was dumped a few weeks back by a long distance boyfriend who is a major pro football fan. While we were dating, I lovingly cheered his team on wearing their colors, watching games, and even memorizing players’ stats. He gave me some basketball shorts with the team logo on them, which I proudly paraded around in everywhere.

Now that we are through, is it rude to send these back to him? At one point in time they were his favorite shorts. I don’t want them, and it would be a horrible waste of fan-wear to throw them out. I left the relationship with few hard feelings, and am now simply looking to get rid of the shorts, which now serve no purpose in my wardrobe.

Sincerely,

Super Sports Fan

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Oh Super Sports Fan,
 
Really?  You can only think of two options?  Throwing them out or sending them back?
 
These shorts clearly represent more to you than you are willing to admit.  Would I be wrong to assume you view these as a solid chance to spite him?  I think in your mind, you see the situation unfolding somthing like this: He goes to get his mail, and finds a small package.  Intrigued, he opens it and either…

1) is overcome by your sweet scent, which has lingered in the package. The combination of your scent and the sight of the shorts is too much and he suddenly regrets everything.

2) sees the shorts, and is upset for treating you so terribly and breaking up with you.  He can no longer watch his football team without thinking about you, and how he wronged you.

3) seeing that you were kind enough to return the shorts, starts wondering if he was wrong to break up with someone so kind.

You want to know the reality?  He’s going to see his shorts, and either think:
1) Sweet!  Got my shorts back!
2) Whoa… bitch is crazy!
3) She’s still into me!
4) All of the above

By sending the shorts back you’re telling him you’re still into him.  After watching so much football, you should know that a Hail Mary is a desperate move that rarely works. Well, you’re not even throwing a Hail Mary here - you’re attempting to kick a field goal through your own uprights! 

The only thing you can do in this situation is nothing.  Forget this guy, and forget his shorts.  If you can’t stand the sight of them, donate them to a charity, or indulge your inner drama queen and set them on fire.  (No, I’m not serious about setting them on fire).

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

Dear Mann Landers,

I bought my mom a pashmina for Christmas from a little boutique pashmina shop. The girl that works there is so hot… SOOO HOT! 

I still walk by that boutique pashmina shop from time to time - she’s always working there. The problem? I have no reason to go into a boutique pashmina shop until June (my mom’s birthday) at the earliest!

How can I make something happen with this girl prior to mom’s bday?

Sincerely,

Man-shmina, in Montreal

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Dear Man-shmina,

First off - pat yourself on the back for being such a terrific gift buyer!

I dare any male reader to tell me a gift that delivers more bang for its buck than a $7 pashmina. They go with everything. They’re soft. They can come in handy in the bedroom.

Wait. You bought this for your mom? Kidding.

Back to the boutique pashmina dilema. You’re bang on. You don’t want to make a habit of buying pashminas - that screams “I have a girlfriend” or “I have a vagina”.

You need a conversation starter. Something genuine - like pretending you need help with directions.

Do your research and determine a boutique (you seem to like that word) coffee shop in the general vicinity of her pashmina shop. Next time you walk by her pashmina shop, pop in and tell her that you’re in dire need of an americano - and that you’ve heard there is a great coffee shop in the area called [insert name of aforementioned boutique coffee shop]. If she’s heard of it, she’ll be impressed that you’re seeking it out instead of the 4 Starbucks within 500m of her shop, and she’ll give you directions. If she hasn’t heard of it, tell her that you’ll track it down and report back.

Now’s your chance to subtly penetrate her… heart. Say something to the effect of:

“You probably don’t remember, but I actually bought one of your pashminas over the holidays. My name is [insert your name]. I owe you - it was for my mom and she never shuts up about it. Maybe I can buy you a coffee at [insert name of aforementioned boutique coffee shop] as a thank you?”.

Her answer will start with a Y and end with a “es, Yes, Yes!”

It’s good to be back…

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

Dear Mann Landers,

I’m not a virgin - but I feel like one in a way. I’ve only ever been with one race. I’m white, and I’ve been with a white girl for 7 years. I find myself drawn to other ethnicities more and more with each passing day.

Should I just be honest with my girlfriend and ask for some space? During some “time a part”  I could then explore these other ethnicities?

At the same time part of me does fear that the grass is always greener…

Sincerely,

Smorgasboard, in San Antonio

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Dear Smorgasboard,

For the purposes of this example - let me substitute the topic of ethnicities (oftentimes a loaded weapon) with the topic of dietary choice.

For the past 7 years you’ve essentially been a vegan. 

i) Vegan (White): more often than not it’s bland and requires far more work than should be necessary to make a satisfying meal. That said, when it is prepared right - it’s soooo right.

ii) Vegetarian (Asian): similar to Vegan, it’s often construed as being bland, however an emphasis on raw makes it very appealing.

iii) Omnivore (Latina): A combination of the good & bad in all diets. Similar to a jambalaya - every bite is like playing Russian roulette… you might get the sweet essence of saffron, while at the same time you risk getting burned by a hot chili.

vi) Carnivore (Black): Every meal is substantial and filling.

Any guy that reads what I’ve just written would likely be inclined to rush out and explore their taste buds. Not so fast! Keep in mind that your girlfriend will likely be exploring her taste buds as well during your proposed break … after all you’ve been her vegan diet all this time!

Should that concern you? Well you know what they say… once you go carnivore you never go back.

Just some food for thought.

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers

Mann,

My lady friend and I have great sex. We do it regularly and she’s into almost anything. One problem however, is her inability to talk dirty. I want to laugh when she tries to turn me on: “ooh, you bad boy”, “I’ve been such a dirty girl”, and so on and so forth. What can you suggest to help me out? 

Acoustically frustrated, in Cleveland

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Acoustically,

Have you ever tried to freestyle? You either can or you can’t. You have flow or you don’t. Your lady doesn’t. Spontaneity is not her friend, she needs a script. In other words, she’s a pop-singer, not a Tupac: fun to put your penis in, not listen to.

But, if you’re in it for the long-haul and you think your Brittney can become a Nicki Minaj I’d suggest trying any of the following:

(1) Watch pornography together – This has other great benefits too.

(2) Turn the table – Tell her that you’ve been a “bad and dirty boy.” See how she likes it! … But what if she does like it!?! (Proceed with caution).

(3) Be proactive – Tell her what you like to hear and maybe she’ll be into it. For example, “Melissa, I’d appreciate if next time we were having intercourse that you would call me a little boy or tell me that I’m pathetic. Thanks, great talk!”

(4) Positive reinforcement – Say or scream “yes” every time she says something you like. Say nothing, and put your pants on and leave the room, when she says something you don’t like.

But if you’re really desperate for some aural pleasure, and your lady-friend is merely a friend, I’d suggest scouring the local hip-hop karaoke scene. You’ll find some lyrically talented freaks there. Think…

You’re welcome,

Mann Landers